Sex

...Made you look.

I'm not really going to talk about sex, at least not the act itself.  My personal views on the subject aside, it isn't important enough to be a real topic for this blog.  I am going to talk about the problem we have with talking about "sexuality."  Now, I know what you're thinking.

But I promise, it's not like that.  It's just that with our society so sexually-charged, I think that people have lost sight of the fact that sexuality and orientation are not the same thing.  In some relationships, the two can be related, but in others...

Well.  Personally, I have been in love before, but have never desired, enjoyed, or understood sex.  Our society makes that a point of embarrassment, so I didn't even admit it to myself until a few years ago.  But here's the truth: sex doesn't make fond feelings appear.  Sex does not make you fall in love with someone you only feel sorry for.  It does not forge a close bond.  It may create unicorns in a parallel dimension, but we can't test that.

Sure, there are some purely physical same-sex relationships out there, just as there are some purely physical opposite-sex relationships, but you don't fall in love with someone's genitals.  You fall in love with a person.

I think that this is important to understand especially when you stop talking about heterosexual relationships.  There is this weird stereotype that non-heterosexuals are promiscuous and are only "in it" for sex.  If we separate orientation -- which refers to emotional attraction -- and sexuality -- which refers to physical attraction -- then it suddenly becomes clear that yes, that scary "other" category can and does fall in love too.

I, and others like me, are good examples of this.  Because the term "asexual" is so overused and misunderstood, I will put it like this: we don't like to get naked and roll in mud.  Some of us are sickened by the idea of it; others just don't particularly enjoy it.  We can fall in love with people, some of whom like to roll in mud.  We may even marry someone who likes to roll in mud.  The people we love might be our same biological sex, but we're no more likely to roll in mud with them than our straight counterparts.  Our relationships will last if we have a good connection outside of the mud pit, and if we can do other things together that we both enjoy.

Rolling naked in mud -- or, really, having sex -- is an insignificant physical activity that requires no previous connection or affection at all.  If you and your partner both enjoy it, then the act may bring you closer together, much like any other date-activity might...but to assume that a person has sex all the time because they are in a same-sex relationship is kind of insulting.

Defining an entire relationship in the bedroom is totally missing the point.  No matter what orientation you are, if you don't have a connection outside of the bedroom, it's not a relationship.  It's an arrangement.  And while that isn't a bad thing, it isn't for everyone.

Questions?  Comments?  Concerns?  It was a little choppy, but I think I actually made my point this time.

Picture comes from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac by Jhonen Vasquez.  I did use an online scan to put the picture here, but I bought the actual comics legally.  I have no opinion about movies and music, but don't pirate books.  It's mean!