Lots of people ask me why I dismiss a good portion of Christianity, and usually I give half-statements that repel more questions but don't actually give the real answers. But recently I've been wondering if avoiding the real reason actually does any good. So, after much deliberation, I've decided I'm going to do what I promised myself I would avoid on this blog and talk about something very personal. Not because it's something I need to talk about, but because it's something that maybe others might want to hear. It sort of ties into why I take issue with certain Judeo-Christian concepts and my political views, but ultimately this is just a personal story.
When I was nineteen, I tried to kill myself. I won't go into my reasons or the hell that was my life back then, but I will clarify that I have bipolar disorder and that was my primary driving force. I'm stable now, but back then...you wouldn't even recognize me.
Anyway, when I took over three hundred pills, I nearly succeeded. It left me in a coma for several days. It also left me brain dead, if my parents are to be believed. When I regained brain function, I know more than one person called it a "miracle," citing fasting, prayer, and the usual Mormon suspects. They are welcome to believe whatever they like, but my personal experience was far different.
While I was asleep, I went somewhere else. If I were anything close to an artist, I would paint this beautiful place. If I were a landscaper, I'd buy a house just to recreate it. Instead, it exists only in my memories.
The thing I remember most is the darkness. It wasn't an oppressive or lonely kind of darkness, but serene darkness, like being in a field far from any city on the night of a full moon. There was no temperature and no breeze and my surroundings were visible, but not bright and not dim. Almost like light only existed where it was needed.
As for my actual surroundings, the place was like a garden, but there were no plants. In place of flowers and dirt there were stones, smooth to the touch and white or grey, and small black shiny pebbles. There was a clear pool of water in the center of a circle of light grey stones. I don't know if this garden was the whole place or if I just stayed in a small part of a larger place, but I didn't know that I hadn't been there my whole life.
I met a woman there. If I had to put a label on her, I'd probably call her a goddess, because she felt like one, but I don't like to label things I don't understand. I don't think I ever saw her face, but I think she may have been blonde and I know that she was blue. Not that her skin was blue...I guess I need to clarify something here. I never really admit this, and I'm almost positive this is some kind of long-standing but relatively benign hallucination, but everyone has a color surrounding them, a sort of blanket that doesn't actually obscure anything. I have seen lots of different people and lots of different colors, but I have never seen something as beautiful and blue as the woman in the garden. She tasted like moonlight, which I know makes no sense, but my senses are all kind of twisted up in each other so just go with me here. She was radiant, but not bright, and I couldn't hear her. (There was no noise at all, which was awesome.) I remember that she loved me, unconditionally, like I was her daughter.
We spoke without speaking about a lot of things that have faded now. She told me I had something I needed to do, but I can't remember what it was. She also told me that I had to "go back" before it was too late, and that people were depending on me. This confused me because, as I previously stated, I didn't know that I hadn't been there my whole life and I didn't understand the concept of "people." It was just that woman and me. Next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and everything was purple and I couldn't breathe because there was a tube down my throat that hadn't been flushed yet. My dad was hovering over me, but I didn't recognize him and everything was still all purple shades. It took me a while to recover. There are occasions when I feel like not all of me made it back, like I'm halfway through a door.
Now, here's the catch: I'm not sure I believe this actually happened. I mean, yes, I experienced it, so regardless of whether or not it was "true," it did happen. But you could say that about any dream or hallucination. To a paranoid schizophrenic, people really are spying and plotting. It's only a personal truth that does not agree with reality. I don't believe in extraordinary claims without proof, even if they're my own. So I understand that I need to step back and assume it was a dream unless I find evidence that suggests otherwise.
Still. The point I'm making here has nothing to do with the nature of dreams, and everything to do with why I dismiss people when they say that people like me are going to burn in Hell when we die. If there is in fact an afterlife, then I have to assume that I was in it; after all, where else would a brain dead person go? That place was nothing like the Heaven that Christians talk about, and it certainly was nothing like the Hell they talk about. In addition, there was no male god there. I was not judged. I'm not certain I even had a body, because nothing stuck together and nothing felt bad. I'm usually so uncomfortable in my own skin, physically uncomfortable, and I wasn't aware of any discomfort at all.
If someone can look me in the eye and tell me that their book, which they only believe in because of some feeling inside, says that I'm going to Hell, I absolutely discount it on principle. After all, as far as subjective human experience goes, I know what death looks like. And that simply isn't it.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Sex
...Made you look.
I'm not really going to talk about sex, at least not the act itself. My personal views on the subject aside, it isn't important enough to be a real topic for this blog. I am going to talk about the problem we have with talking about "sexuality." Now, I know what you're thinking.
But I promise, it's not like that. It's just that with our society so sexually-charged, I think that people have lost sight of the fact that sexuality and orientation are not the same thing. In some relationships, the two can be related, but in others...
Well. Personally, I have been in love before, but have never desired, enjoyed, or understood sex. Our society makes that a point of embarrassment, so I didn't even admit it to myself until a few years ago. But here's the truth: sex doesn't make fond feelings appear. Sex does not make you fall in love with someone you only feel sorry for. It does not forge a close bond. It may create unicorns in a parallel dimension, but we can't test that.
Sure, there are some purely physical same-sex relationships out there, just as there are some purely physical opposite-sex relationships, but you don't fall in love with someone's genitals. You fall in love with a person.
I think that this is important to understand especially when you stop talking about heterosexual relationships. There is this weird stereotype that non-heterosexuals are promiscuous and are only "in it" for sex. If we separate orientation -- which refers to emotional attraction -- and sexuality -- which refers to physical attraction -- then it suddenly becomes clear that yes, that scary "other" category can and does fall in love too.
I, and others like me, are good examples of this. Because the term "asexual" is so overused and misunderstood, I will put it like this: we don't like to get naked and roll in mud. Some of us are sickened by the idea of it; others just don't particularly enjoy it. We can fall in love with people, some of whom like to roll in mud. We may even marry someone who likes to roll in mud. The people we love might be our same biological sex, but we're no more likely to roll in mud with them than our straight counterparts. Our relationships will last if we have a good connection outside of the mud pit, and if we can do other things together that we both enjoy.
Rolling naked in mud -- or, really, having sex -- is an insignificant physical activity that requires no previous connection or affection at all. If you and your partner both enjoy it, then the act may bring you closer together, much like any other date-activity might...but to assume that a person has sex all the time because they are in a same-sex relationship is kind of insulting.
Defining an entire relationship in the bedroom is totally missing the point. No matter what orientation you are, if you don't have a connection outside of the bedroom, it's not a relationship. It's an arrangement. And while that isn't a bad thing, it isn't for everyone.
Questions? Comments? Concerns? It was a little choppy, but I think I actually made my point this time.
Picture comes from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac by Jhonen Vasquez. I did use an online scan to put the picture here, but I bought the actual comics legally. I have no opinion about movies and music, but don't pirate books. It's mean!
I'm not really going to talk about sex, at least not the act itself. My personal views on the subject aside, it isn't important enough to be a real topic for this blog. I am going to talk about the problem we have with talking about "sexuality." Now, I know what you're thinking.
But I promise, it's not like that. It's just that with our society so sexually-charged, I think that people have lost sight of the fact that sexuality and orientation are not the same thing. In some relationships, the two can be related, but in others...
Well. Personally, I have been in love before, but have never desired, enjoyed, or understood sex. Our society makes that a point of embarrassment, so I didn't even admit it to myself until a few years ago. But here's the truth: sex doesn't make fond feelings appear. Sex does not make you fall in love with someone you only feel sorry for. It does not forge a close bond. It may create unicorns in a parallel dimension, but we can't test that.
Sure, there are some purely physical same-sex relationships out there, just as there are some purely physical opposite-sex relationships, but you don't fall in love with someone's genitals. You fall in love with a person.
I think that this is important to understand especially when you stop talking about heterosexual relationships. There is this weird stereotype that non-heterosexuals are promiscuous and are only "in it" for sex. If we separate orientation -- which refers to emotional attraction -- and sexuality -- which refers to physical attraction -- then it suddenly becomes clear that yes, that scary "other" category can and does fall in love too.
I, and others like me, are good examples of this. Because the term "asexual" is so overused and misunderstood, I will put it like this: we don't like to get naked and roll in mud. Some of us are sickened by the idea of it; others just don't particularly enjoy it. We can fall in love with people, some of whom like to roll in mud. We may even marry someone who likes to roll in mud. The people we love might be our same biological sex, but we're no more likely to roll in mud with them than our straight counterparts. Our relationships will last if we have a good connection outside of the mud pit, and if we can do other things together that we both enjoy.
Rolling naked in mud -- or, really, having sex -- is an insignificant physical activity that requires no previous connection or affection at all. If you and your partner both enjoy it, then the act may bring you closer together, much like any other date-activity might...but to assume that a person has sex all the time because they are in a same-sex relationship is kind of insulting.
Defining an entire relationship in the bedroom is totally missing the point. No matter what orientation you are, if you don't have a connection outside of the bedroom, it's not a relationship. It's an arrangement. And while that isn't a bad thing, it isn't for everyone.
Questions? Comments? Concerns? It was a little choppy, but I think I actually made my point this time.
Picture comes from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac by Jhonen Vasquez. I did use an online scan to put the picture here, but I bought the actual comics legally. I have no opinion about movies and music, but don't pirate books. It's mean!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Five Things...
...You should never say to someone who comes out to you.
Oh yes, my first blog post in over a year is barely researched, short and charged. I will later write a more in-depth piece, but for now, this is it. A list of the top five responses that make me go like this:
1) Have you tried not being [insert non-heteronormative adjective here]?
Look, this is a no-brainer. If the answer is yes, then that person is probably still hurting from the experience. Your friend, sibling, offspring, or whatever can probably quote all of your objections, all of your justifications for just acting "normal" (what an offensive word, but I use it here because other people do) and have probably used your arguments on themselves. If the answer is no, you probably just look dumb. Or pathetic. Either way, you're not doing anyone any good.
2) You're probably just confused.
Trust me, if a person who previously seemed straight, heteronormative, and even rigid suddenly comes out to you, they're sure. You don't come out to someone unless you're willing to be labeled, and with such negative connotations that non-heteronormative words have in our society, you're only willing to be labeled if it's the truth. (I think I just butchered that sentence somehow.) Or if you're a rebellious teenager seeking attention, but that should be obvious from the get-go.
3) You just haven't found the right man/woman.
Is it so difficult to believe that just because you're attracted to people of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean everyone else is? There are many kinds of attraction, many kinds of sexuality and many combinations thereof. It not only implies ignorance, but also narrow-mindedness to assume that everyone must be Just Like You. Your friend/sibling/offspring/whatever is aware that "faking it" is an option, and has decided against such self-destructive behavior.
4) You were just hurt by a man/woman.
So now you know more about their personal life and experiences than they do? You know more about their emotions, desires, and motivations than they can comprehend? You must be a psychic! I'm thinking of a number...
5) I still love you.
This hurts. I know from experience that this hurts a lot, probably more than anything else. You may not mean it in the way it sounds, but I want you to listen: "I loved you before I knew this thing about you. Now that I know, I love you a little less." Don't do this. Just don't. You may be trying to reassure your friend/sibling/offspring/whatever, but it tastes like rejection.
Why do I write this? Well, for one, because I can. Because I have experiences. Because even if only one person looks at this and goes, "Oh, wow, I probably should apologize for being a douchebag," that's one more person who doesn't feel degraded or betrayed anymore by someone they admired and trusted. Because people often don't realize that trying to be "helpful" is actually harmful. Because I was supposed to post this on Facebook but it got way too long.
Next post will be all about...something cool, I swear. For now, questions, comments and concerns are welcome. If my (few) readers are still alive, or whatever.
Btw, awesome Tulio headbang is property of...whoever. I didn't make it.
Oh yes, my first blog post in over a year is barely researched, short and charged. I will later write a more in-depth piece, but for now, this is it. A list of the top five responses that make me go like this:
1) Have you tried not being [insert non-heteronormative adjective here]?
Look, this is a no-brainer. If the answer is yes, then that person is probably still hurting from the experience. Your friend, sibling, offspring, or whatever can probably quote all of your objections, all of your justifications for just acting "normal" (what an offensive word, but I use it here because other people do) and have probably used your arguments on themselves. If the answer is no, you probably just look dumb. Or pathetic. Either way, you're not doing anyone any good.
2) You're probably just confused.
Trust me, if a person who previously seemed straight, heteronormative, and even rigid suddenly comes out to you, they're sure. You don't come out to someone unless you're willing to be labeled, and with such negative connotations that non-heteronormative words have in our society, you're only willing to be labeled if it's the truth. (I think I just butchered that sentence somehow.) Or if you're a rebellious teenager seeking attention, but that should be obvious from the get-go.
3) You just haven't found the right man/woman.
Is it so difficult to believe that just because you're attracted to people of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean everyone else is? There are many kinds of attraction, many kinds of sexuality and many combinations thereof. It not only implies ignorance, but also narrow-mindedness to assume that everyone must be Just Like You. Your friend/sibling/offspring/whatever is aware that "faking it" is an option, and has decided against such self-destructive behavior.
4) You were just hurt by a man/woman.
So now you know more about their personal life and experiences than they do? You know more about their emotions, desires, and motivations than they can comprehend? You must be a psychic! I'm thinking of a number...
5) I still love you.
This hurts. I know from experience that this hurts a lot, probably more than anything else. You may not mean it in the way it sounds, but I want you to listen: "I loved you before I knew this thing about you. Now that I know, I love you a little less." Don't do this. Just don't. You may be trying to reassure your friend/sibling/offspring/whatever, but it tastes like rejection.
Why do I write this? Well, for one, because I can. Because I have experiences. Because even if only one person looks at this and goes, "Oh, wow, I probably should apologize for being a douchebag," that's one more person who doesn't feel degraded or betrayed anymore by someone they admired and trusted. Because people often don't realize that trying to be "helpful" is actually harmful. Because I was supposed to post this on Facebook but it got way too long.
Next post will be all about...something cool, I swear. For now, questions, comments and concerns are welcome. If my (few) readers are still alive, or whatever.
Btw, awesome Tulio headbang is property of...whoever. I didn't make it.
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